I always have a constant cycle of ideas, plans, thoughts etc. reeling somewhere in the back of my mind...How deeply introspective I feel each day determines if this cycle will be taken out for analyzation or ignored.

Most days, for the sake of self preservation, I just keep these thoughts tucked away.It hurts, intimately, to ponder too deeply certain things so I just don't. To get by with the day to day and not get pulled into the mire of "What if?" and "Why haven't I done this yet?" oh and my personal favorite "Where did all my time go?".. to keep functioning, I just don't let myself go there.

When I was an adolescent I knew, I KNEW that I was destined for greatness...there was no doubt..I had so many avenues of fortune lay out in my mind and my entire life stretched out before me offering infinite time to travel each path at my leisure.

By no means have I accomplished things of less value than I had originally planned...much different but in many ways much more valuable.Still, I know that I have hidden behind my life..the "day to day" for much too long.

My 26th birthday recently passed and it took all I could not to let myself slip into some bi-polar fantasy...looking back at the ruins of my childhood dreams.Doing such would be juvenile and counter productive..and dangerous..if you stop to look to hard at what was missed...you just stop all together...I have too many people depending on me to allow myself such a luxury..but it's hard..Oh my is it hard not to.

I don't know when, or how exactly..but I am on the brink, at the doorway of a turning point...I've been here several times in the recent past.When I let myself pull out the old dreams and glimpse at them just a bit..before I put them back on the shelf..but I know now that I can't just slip back into my denial.

How many second, third and fourth chances do we get?Every day that passes I feel my self dulling, my shimmer wearing off...my greatness..I'd forgotten all about it.I let others forget about it too.I've allowed myself to slip into obscurity before I ever made my mark.

That's just not acceptable.


I feel like declaring this in bold words, black and white...once posted in the forum there forever, by doing this I have to be accountable for my actions.I have if no one else my self to answer to.


I'm not depressed, despite the fact that I'm teetering on the edge of postpartum and have dealt with my unmedicated bi-polar issues splendidly during my pregnancy when anti- depressants weren't advised...I have maintained and I don't feel that this realization is from the deep seated emotion of depression.


I have reached this point by a new found maturity..I'm not sorry for what's passed..I'm incredibly grateful for all that I have..for the chance every day to make up for the mistakes I've made the day before..it's just time for me to step my game up a notch.Just doing isn't good enough.I deserve better..my children deserve better...they need to see what I have to offer...they need to know that growing up doesn't mean forgetting....forsaking....